And here’s the second of the two rants I promised: driving in Atlanta.
Holy. Crap. I hate driving in this city. Literally every time I place myself behind the wheel of my car it becomes a battle to remain alive long enough to remove myself from behind the wheel again. The mentality of those driving in Atlanta varies so wildly I can honestly call it a melting pot of every variety of stupid. Here is a semi-comprehensive list of the 7 top gripes I have with drivers in Atlanta. Note that it is not a complete list, as there is always something entirely incoherently stupid that someone will manage to pull off, and I couldn’t possibly account for all of these daily occurrences.
First gripe: What the HELL is so hard about staying inside the lines/lane? This is the first basic thing anyone does when learning to drive, aside from pressing the pedal to GO (and still some people fuck that up, more on that in a bit). You think this would be within the best interests of not only everyone around you, but moreover yourself – if you actually care about the vehicle you drive or the time you’ll spend in an accident – but Atlanta drivers do tend to err against logical decisions. Even the dickfreckle in the Lamborghini Murciélago on Spring St. the other day felt that maintaining his lane was apparently below his immortal status. Fucker. Just try that shit near me and my ’89 Buick Park Ave would rip your joyride in two. Most of the time when people start bending the limits of which lane they’re in, I’m left guessing if they just suck at signaling while merging, which brings me on to my second gripe.
Second gripe: If you’re merging, USE A SIGNAL IT’S THE DAMN LAW. Am I the only one in Atlanta that can manage to push a plastic stick up and down to turn some fancy lights on/off in my car? Everyone else, protip: it means I’m changing lanes so you don’t fuck my ride up (anymore than it already is). Also, it means stay the fuck clear. Likewise, if you’re merging and not signaling, I don’t know that! So stop driving like a maniac to merge over six lanes acting like everyone else is a twat simply because you can’t use the car like it’s supposed to be used. Consideration for others when merging is important, and also absent on the roads of Atlanta. I have found myself cut off more times than I can count, and God forbid I use my signal around certain idiotic drivers, who see it as a challenge to close the gap I intend to occupy before I can actually merge into it. Quit viewing it as a personal insult if my car is in front of yours, asshole. It’s not a race, and it never will be, so cool off and let me get where I am going in one piece.
Third gripe: Why doesn’t anyone think ahead? At all? This is how it works: plan out what you want to do, then take appropriate measures to make that as easy as possible for both you and everyone else around you. The. End. It’s seriously not that difficult – if you KNOW you need to merge off the highway in one mile, as the large green sign may indicate, then you miiiight want to get the heck out of the HOV Lane on the far left, because it’s approximately 5 whole lanes from where you want to be. If you want to get to Lenox Mall, stop milling around in the wrong lane and cutting me off at the last minute in your giant empty Eddie Bauer edition SUV – it’s rude and dangerous, and your fucking shopping spree isn’t worth nearly as much as my time and safety. Likewise, if you’re from out of town, get directions and stop trying to turn the wrong way down Piedmont Ave. Incoming traffic (myself included, scooter guy) doesn’t like that. Of course, if you have a scooter I doubt you’re from out of town, which means that aside from being stupid, you’re not…
Fourth gripe: Concentrating. Concentration. Also known as PAYING ATTENTION TO THE ROAD. I cannot fathom what compels these retarded twatwaffles to get behind the wheel of a several ton behemoth vehicle traveling upwards of 90mph, and proceed to completely check out of this reality because fucking TEXT MESSAGES are that goddamn important. You don’t need a point on your license and a $150 fine, as the new Georgian law says – you just need your license and your car’s title thrown in a shredder. In fact, anything relating to a cellphone at all while driving should be the same as a rear-ending accident; it’s always the fault of the rear-ender. Then, if a cellphone user gets in an accident, it’s ALWAYS HIS FAULT. Maybe then people would stop using them. I have a bumper sticker that reads “HANG UP AND DRIVE”, and I damn well stick to it.
Fifth gripe: There’s a posted speed limit for a reason, guys. If everyone goes over it, sure. If everyone goes under it, understandable, there’s probably a reason. So why is it a complete mix of the two? Aside from baffling, it’s unsafe. If I’m going 35-40mph on a city street, that’s reasonably fast. Others keep pace, but there’s NO NEED to tailgate me because you want to do 60mph. You’re not a badass. You’re not in that much of a hurry. Slow down, get off my rear. On the other hand, if I’m cruising down the highway at 65mph, I don’t want to come across some fat Iowa girls going 40mph. You cause accidents doing that – keep up with the pace. Speaking of the Iowa girls…
Sixth gripe: Speed regulation is important. If I pass you, you’re going slow. That does not mean pass me and slow down AGAIN. If I’m on a highway, I maintain my speed – most of the time using cruise control. YOU’RE the wild variable here (that’s not a compliment, it means you’re a couple fries short of a Happy Meal). Likewise, if a SEMI does it to you, don’t do it back, THEY CAN’T SLOW DOWN AS FAST AS YOUR SHITTY RED CIVIC CAN. Talking to you, Iowa girls – I almost witnessed an unintentional genocide as that professional driver could hardly handle your midwestern brand of idiocy.
Seventh gripe: Spacial awareness. I understand this should, in theory, be covered by following the other guidelines I’ve griped about earlier, but this one still needs saying. There’s a particularly fun intersection on North Avenue EB just past Piedmont Ave where drivers, if they so desire, can enter and exit a parking lot for Walgreens, Publix, and an apartment complex. This intersection is awful.
It always blocks up a ton of drivers in either direction, in or out, and is generally a pain for one problem: when exiting, (bad) drivers pull out way too far to see ahead, and the front of their car obstructs oncoming traffic. If drivers were more aware of their cars, this wouldn’t be such an issue, but on multiple occasions I’ve found myself SCREECHING to a halt because some idiot woman on a cellphone is craning her ugly neck to see my yelling at her to just go already, she’s done enough damage.
A proper solution to these gripes, which will never happen but I’d like it, is a system wherein people’s ability to drive dictates the type/brand/price of car they’re allowed to own and drive. It boils my blood that someone can afford a Lamborghini Murciélago and drive it like a shithead while I’m stuck in my falling apart 1989 Buick Park Ave with a broken trunk and an oxidizing paint job, yet I know I’m a damn better driver than that middle aged crisis.
Going back, my seventh gripe wouldn’t be such an issue if anyone had bothered to hire competent city planners and civil engineers for the City of Atlanta. This entire city is a clusterfuck of a mess. Several highways become one and branch off again. There’s no such thing as a city block in Atlanta – everything just does whatever the hell it wants. Major intersections were an afterthought, where roads curve however they want:
Or they decide to change from being two-way to one:
And don’t even get me started on highways:
And every inner city road is a pothole magnet.
It’s crap like Atlanta drivers and Atlanta roads that make me strongly desire public transportation, but surprise surprise – MARTA doesn’t make getting around the city any easier. A city this size needs a competent rail system, and the excuse we get looks like this:
Don’t let its looks fool you; this serves little to no purpose if you don’t live on the rail line. There’s nothing south of Five Points that’s worth the trip, except for the Airport stop. There’s nothing west of CNN, aside from gun crimes. And that’s that. If anyone wants to get anywhere worthwhile off the rail system, you need a car, or you need a MARTA bus, which is a colossal waste of time compared to car ownership. And that’s why our roads in Atlanta are so congested with really, really bad drivers. The incompetent layout of the city and the lack of a decent public transportation option make travel in this city a headache, the #4 worst headache in the nation, according to Forbes.
In short, I think we should resurrect General Sherman, let him do his Atlanta thing, and try again.
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